If you are an adult and haven’t noticed it yet – being an adult sucks. So many (boring) problems to deal with, so many bills to pay, so many chores to do. And all of it is wrapped in constant development, growth, and search for a better tomorrow. We try to trick our brains and pretend we will build routines, habits and foster something that will be good for us, even if we don’t like it. That’s part of the reason why we love our January promises. The problem is – it’s so easy to promise and so difficult to actually do. We often commit to way too much instead of being reasonable and then fail.

At least, I do. I have a plan, I have a list and structure of the routine that I want to build. Or more likely five things that I want to do. And then I kick off. I announce to everyone my aspirations and then a bit later everything crumbles. I usually last a week or two but when we try too hard, we fail hard as well. Instead of picking one thing and trying to learn to love it, I pick three – this time around it’s writing, walking and drinking water – and fail not at one but at three things at the same time. I don’t know if it’s us wanting too much of ourselves or expecting too much in one go and forgetting that life is a journey and it might not work out every time. I don’t know. And in a way, it feels like I am stuck.

At the moment, I wish I exercised more. I wish I wrote more. I wish I learned more. I wish a lot of things and I want all of them at the same time. The problem is I don’t have the energy or time for all of them. So, instead of picking one and hoping to succeed with that, I beat myself for failing. I don’t know if it’s kind of an addiction of feeling like a failure or accepting that I shouldn’t expect much of myself. Maybe it’s an over-inflated ego with a belief that this time it will be different, that I will be different. Or maybe – and let me very quickly float that by you – is uncertainty and unknown of what I actually want. Maybe when you don’t know what are your real priorities or values, you try to over-stretch yourself and move to all possible directions that feel right but none of them are truly important so you drop it. All of what it does is making me sadder because I feel like I am a constant failure; as if I am failing at life.

Instead of examining ourselves and understanding better what we really want, we are quick to commit and at the same time quick to be disappointed. I am coming to the realization that for true growth and true healthy routines, you need to know where you came from and where you want to go. I am not saying that you need to know you will be [Insert title] of [Insert company / society role / anything else you want] but you need to know what makes you and without what there is no past, present, or future. It is very easy to commit to material things but harder to commit to the core of us, because society and life will challenge you. And then you give up. That’s why my many attempts, apps, and tricks of building the “right” habits failed. We push and try to build the perfect human until we exhaust ourselves and blame ourselves for the lack of self-control or commitment instead of questioning if the perfect human was the best version of me or just an unattainable fairy tale.

We rarely commit to getting to know ourselves and actually letting us be us no matter what others say. While it is the most valuable habit, it’s also the hardest to build because you have to be vulnerable not only with yourself but also with others. On this day I promise myself (and the Internet), that I will make a habit of loving, accepting, and allowing me to be me. For me the hardest lesson is not to bash myself when I am different compared to what I believe is “normal” or “average”; to love myself when no one else does; to trust the process and allow energy to flow. But that’s the only way to actually build routines that fit me and not an image of me or a perfect human.

There will be days when it will be easier. There will be days when I will not be kind to myself. But I want to believe that it will get better if only I will be as kind to myself as I am to others. But that’s being an adult for you – feeling responsible and accountable, failing once in a while and starting again.

Maybe five years down the line I will be very zen and will not speak ill word of myself. Or probably not. But I can speak less of them and hope there will be more space and energy for things and routines that actually matter like dancing in the fields, drawing for no reason or looking for the next mischief.

Until then, I ask you, universe and myself – who are you? What do you really want? What do you really NOT want?