I would say I am weird enough, others would say special enough so that I end up falling in the category of “other” most of the time. I am too outspoken and liberal to be part of my family or my culture. I am too direct for most cultures. I am not womanly enough for a wife. I am too stubborn for a sane person. I am not stubborn enough to know my own worth. It is always too little or too much to fit. And I desperately want to fit it. Maybe I would stop being “other”.

At least, I thought so. I believe that only if I was a bit more average, I wouldn’t feel so lonely once in a while or I would be accepted at work or any other random circle that I selected for myself. I am slowly coming to a realization that life doesn’t work like this. There is a lovely saying – leopard won’t change its spots. In the same breath, I can’t change who I am.

On Friday I was beating myself because I decided that others perceived me mean while the only thing I wanted to be was a nice, good, quiet girl. I am a lot of things but I can tell you – I am definitely not that. So, while I was enjoying the pity party of one, I started reading “On Our Best Behavior” by Elise Loehnen. The book reminded me or maybe even helped me to realize that a lot of ” too little” or ” too much” is taught to women. Maybe it was not malicious, maybe it was to help navigate the world but at the end of the day, it just takes so much headspace. Instead of simply being happy or nerdy and sharing my passions, at least a part of my brain is constantly worried if I am being too much. It is so ridiculous that I even apologize to my husband for being too much and making his life difficult. This is how deeply the perception is ingrained.

While patriarchy is terrible, it does such an amazing job in training women and actually the whole society how to treat women – to remind them they have no voice and can’t ask for what they are worth; make sure they are occupied with their bodies so that they would worry less about what others do to them; make sure their place is neither at home nor at work so that they would feel lost and guilty half of the time. I was (or rather am) part of that trap. I believed for so long what my parents and society told me that I never learned to listen to myself. I genuinely don’t know who I am but I am determined to find out. I don’t want to make myself more or less but rather just be. I can’t imagine how that would feel, how much more energy I would actually have instead of focusing on constantly evaluating myself.

I want to be me. And be perfectly fine with that. However, that means that I need to find out who I actually am and that means *drum roll* adventure. And definitely getting out of my comfort zone. So, my first order of business – cacao cerenomy. Let’s see what that brings.