While I didn’t grow up in Vilnius, I would still call it my home. So, when we decided to leave and move to the Netherlands, for some reason, I expected that everything would stay exactly the same after I left. I moved on or rather moved out and expected that they time would stay still in Vilnius and the place would stay exactly as it was when I left.

But every time we comeback, it changes just a little bit. If it would be from one time to another, you wouldn’t notice a significant change. A new pub here, a new block there, a new building somewhere else. Enough to notice but not enough to feel completely different. The challenge starts when there are more and more moments of leaving, when the gap from when I lived there and I came back increases. Initially, it’s just growth but at some point turns into a difference or unknown. There are still enough that feels familiar and where I feel at home but with every year there are less and less of that.

If someone would ask for recommendations, I still know enough to answer that but I am not sure how long it will last. I am slowly losing that places that I used to call home; they are closing down and disappearing and the new and unknown is replacing them. I love venturing out and exploring and my home is slowly turning into one of those places that I get to explore. I have to look for coffee shops, restaurants and cool bars. Since new areas are being developed, I get to try new things or explore new museums. 7 years are enough years for new bands, creators to appear that I get to discover. I used to know all of that but it is fading away.

On the one hand, it’s nice and everything is slowly turning into adventure. On the other hand, I feel like I am losing a place that I used to belong. In a way, it feels like I am losing my history and who I used to be. Who are you if you have no history? Who are you if you have no home? I know it’s silly but there are more things that are “mine” or that I am accustomed to in the Netherlands that there are in Vilnius. What happens when home turns into a strange and unknown place? Honestly, I don’t know. Maybe mostly it feels lonesome. I feel like I have no roots, no ground to stand on if anything goes south or if I need a moment of comfort.

We are taught to believe and relate to a place and I am slowly losing that place. I am happy and excited about the life that I am living and our adventure in NL but, at the same time, I grieve a bit for Vilnius and everything that I used to call home. I like that Vilnius is turning into adventure and I get to explore but I would that bit of security of comfort knowing that I have home and a place to go back. I don’t want to be a stranger in my own city.

But while I still know few places here and there, I would love to share few that I love. But that’s different story for another day.