I chose to be alone that day. I chose to have dinner alone, to sleep alone, to explore alone.And I was happy, free, and truly me. Can you believe that this was a big deal for me? I didn’t think that I needed, wanted or even could do it and still remain happy and reconnect with myself. It was a journey to get there and I feel like it started the next chapter for me.

So, first, why it was a big deal? I am married, I have been for the last four years and we have been together for 8 years in total. For the biggest part of my life, I have been with someone or part of a group – either my family, strong friends group, or my husband – and I never learned to be truly alone in any normal social setting. I used to get very anxious when I had to face the world on my own. I am fine to be alone at home as it gives me a chance to truly recharge but outside the home… I am used to being with someone. Sharing moments, sharing experiences, and getting strength and security from being with others and having a tribe that I can rely on.

Simple as that, having lunch alone was a challenge for me even 5 years ago. I used to feel uncomfortable, and try to eat (and leave) as quickly as possible. As ridiculous as it might sound, I have never shopped alone because I needed someone else to say that I was okay or that I was making the right decision. If you would have asked me 5 years ago, I wouldn’t have imagined that I would ever choose to do things alone purposefully and that it would bring me so much joy and power.

And today, I realized that the gift of being alone and focusing on my inner makings was the best gift that I could have given to myself. It took me a while to commit to it. It was a bit scary, a bit uncomfortable and so difficult to stop and leave my hamster wheel for a bit. Nonetheless, I decided at some point that I wanted a weekend for myself where I would give myself space to recharge, move in my rhythm, and rethink what I actually want and where I am heading in life. For those that know me, it shouldn’t be a surprise, I came prepared. My purpose for the weekend was to re-establish my relationship with myself. So, I came up with a few questions ready in my mind: 1) what are important areas that I want to explore further? 2) What does my ideal image of myself or rather my relationship with myself look like? Nothing was deliberate, I went where the flow took me and, surprisingly (for me), the answers came flowing to me in pieces.

As I was slowing down and focusing more on myself, I realized that I want to deep dive deeper into who I am and that spiritual side that I chose to ignore for so long. Also, I want to build a better, healthier relationship with my body; I barely exercise, and I barely listen to what it is saying. My favorite statement is mind over body. And you know what? That doesn’t really work. The last bit and probably the most important bit for me: I want to be free, I want to learn to give permission to myself to be, to feel free. And that weekend was such an important affirmation for that.

I was truly who I wanted to be. No judgment, no rush, and pure joy. I had my books, my music, my food, and my spa. I don’t know why but going to a spa, buying clothes alone for the first time, and later on having my glass of whiskey while reading in the restaurant… The definition of freedom for me. And I want more of that. I wouldn’t have realized that if I haven’t taken a moment to be alone. We all need that – we need moments to reconnect to us, to slow down and discover (or embrace) our joy or the inner child. We need a moment to be alone.

And here goes a silly photo of me. Just for kicks.